i never knew i had such a talent for destruction. in a matter of days it is a virus in my head, creeping into my darkest thoughts in the black of the night, desire sinking into my mind like ink in water. this is not going to end well, and you already know it. but you already know how it’s going to go, and you know how it started. you remember the first time you met and how your eyes met across a table full of people – tentative at first, your eyes averting downwards before you realised what was happening. you feel his gaze on you and it is burning against your skin, you could almost feel his fingers hard and deliberate, breaking vessels as if he could mark you. i just want you to touch me, not feel me. the thought of it makes me shudder, even in the embrace of a cigarette. everywhere i go the stale smoke hangs in my hair like the thoughts i carry around all day.
the thing is i haven’t been able to hear myself think for awhile now and on the nights i am beginning to, i don’t even think i want to. i know this can’t go on but i want it so hard, to live in stolen moments like this, for as long as i can.