2018

thoughts on the past year…

well that was my first ~real~ year of adulting. at the grand old age of 26, i now have a name card, an office and even a secretary of my own to assist me with my work. there were weeks i spent more time in the office than i did at home. there were months i billed more money for the firm than i could make in a year. i was learning a lot gradually and yet i perpetually felt like – still feels like – i know very, very little. and yet above it all, there was this sense of inertia – i didn’t quite know the direction i was going, but i was also quite unable to stop.

the first half of the year flew by. i spent about ~2 weeks in japan, then a week in malaysia to visit my grandparents for cny, and then a short weekend trip to hk. i completed my first major transaction and went home past 2am everyday. i started playing dota again. i remember wanting the year to pass by quickly; i believed if time passed quickly, then i can finally begin the life i wanted.

my first firm trip sometime in july? i dreaded it so much, thinking back to how closed off i felt during corp trip. i hated navigating the snarls of small talk with people i barely knew but had to work alongside 5 days of a week, trying to make the most out of an interaction without revealing too much or anything at all. but you know what, firm trip wasn’t so bad after all. my favourite moments included but are not limited (wow lawyer language wow):

1. being dragged out of my hotel room to go clubbing at 2am
2. all the nice food places i tried bc i was blessed with super organized and smart colleagues who actually planned an itinerary lol
3. watching ti and ordering post-clubbing breakfast at 6am in the morning and falling asleep on someone’s sofa
4. insane drag queen show that went on for 3 hours and i came out of it quite deaf and a picture with a cher lookalike to boot

so yeah it wasn’t too bad after all yeah.

i should include some images but everything is in my phone/ig at this point like who even takes the time to upload images and blog yknow what i mean.

by the time the end of the year rolled by, i applied to clear all of my leave in december (amounting to ~2.5 to 3 weeks). we went to seoul, and then the dolomites to ski and then bali right before the end of the year. i said goodbye to many of my colleagues who tendered before i went for my year end leave. i remember the weekend before D left for london, i went over to his newly renovated home and said hi to his parents and complimented his mum on the new house. i’m so happy for him that he’s finally taking a step closer to what he wants and yet i’m so sad that my first friend at work will be so far away. we’re all going forward, none of us are going back.

on the whole i think i’ve quite succeded navigating/coming around to my first year of adulthood. let’s hope i get better at it, however unnecessary, even painful lol.

Advertisements

let’s go back to the start

and then there are times you know when i come across a song, a fleeting memory, a mention of you and everything comes rushing back and then i wonder how you are and what you would think if you knew what i was doing and what i might possibly say to you if we ever met again and why can’t you get out of my head after all these years? funny how these things work, you weren’t even my first love, as i was yours and yet i think over the course of the years i have paid my dues judging by how much i have thought of you. we fell for each other almost immediately, i like to think – me in my best court attire, you dressed to pleased no one but yourself – and yet we were strangers who’ve already heard a bit too much about one another, i suppose it must have been inevitable. and what would i even say to you anyway, that since you’ve been gone i’ve only gone further into the turbulence, and i don’t know what to do but feed myself into spirals of smoke and an alcoholic fog until something clearer this way comes. everything has become a lot darker, a lot more confusing, a lot less of the person i thought i was, or so sure i was, at the age of 19 and all that i’ve wanted. maybe we can go back, press our heads against each other and remember how it was like at the start before everything started to fragment. but we are long past that now, i have ran past the point of no return and there’s no looking back now.

我也不想这样

some time in the future – but not the near future, maybe – i want to look back and remember the end of training, the dull summer heat finding its way into everything, the familiar feeling that life was coming to an end in some ways but not quite. i want to remember the dreary sweaty nights when we dragged our feet from the office, the air between us taut with anticipation, so thick that if i came just a bit closer, i wouldn’t be able to stop myself. i want to remember the feeling of cold beer pressed against my neck with my eyes closed my body stretched out, my tongue making a jumble of the words that i can’t stop spilling – words meant to fill the air between us because maybe if i just keep talking we can keep the distance as it is.

and then i want to remember the nights when i stumble home alone, my mind in a haze of stars and smoke. lying in bed feeling irate and sticky and hot, not sad enough to warrant introspection yet self indulgent enough to not want to talk to anyone anyway. maybe if i closed my eyes. maybe if i let sleep get the better of me. how is it that even after all this time i am still where i was a year ago? i have lost my way. i have lost track of all the time. but i promise i’ll be back.

we are both dreamers

i never knew i had such a talent for destruction. in a matter of days it is a virus in my head, creeping into my darkest thoughts in the black of the night, desire sinking into my mind like ink in water. this is not going to end well, and you already know it. but you already know how it’s going to go, and you know how it started. you remember the first time you met and how your eyes met across a table full of people – tentative at first, your eyes averting downwards before you realised what was happening. you feel his gaze on you and it is burning against your skin, you could almost feel his fingers hard and deliberate, breaking vessels as if he could mark you. i just want you to touch me, not feel me. the thought of it makes me shudder, even in the embrace of a cigarette. everywhere i go the stale smoke hangs in my hair like the thoughts i carry around all day.

the thing is i haven’t been able to hear myself think for awhile now and on the nights i am beginning to, i don’t even think i want to. i know this can’t go on but i want it so hard, to live in stolen moments like this, for as long as i can.

to his coy mistress

Had we but world enough, and time,
This coyness, lady, were no crime.
We would sit down, and think which way
To walk, and pass our long love’s day.
Thou by the Indian Ganges’ side
Shouldst rubies find; I by the tide
Of Humber would complain. I would
Love you ten years before the flood,
And you should, if you please, refuse
Till the conversion of the Jews.
My vegetable love would grow
Vaster than empires, and more slow;
An hundred years should go to praise
Thine eyes, and on thy forehead gaze;
Two hundred to adore each breast,
But thirty thousand to the rest;
An age at least to every part,
And the last age should show your heart.
For, lady, you deserve this state,
Nor would I love at lower rate.

But at my back I always hear
Time’s winged chariot hurrying near:
And yonder all before us lie
Deserts of vast eternity.
Thy beauty shall no more be found;
Nor, in thy marble vaults, shall sound
My echoing song; then worms shall try
That long-preserved virginity,
And your quaint honour turn to dust,
And into ashes all my lust:
The grave’s a fine and private place,
But none, I think, do there embrace.

Now therefore, while the youthful hue
Sits on thy skin like morning dew,
And while thy willing soul transpires
At every pore with instant fires,
Now let us sport us while we may,
And now, like amorous birds of prey,
Rather at once our time devour
Than languish in his slow-chapped power.
Let us roll all our strength, and all
Our sweetness, up into one ball,
And tear our pleasure with rough strife
Through the iron gates of life:
Thus, though we cannot make our sun
Stand still, yet we will make him run.