and then there are times you know when i come across a song, a fleeting memory, a mention of you and everything comes rushing back and then i wonder how you are and what you would think if you knew what i was doing and what i might possibly say to you if we ever met again and why can’t you get out of my head after all these years? funny how these things work, you weren’t even my first love, as i was yours and yet i think over the course of the years i have paid my dues judging by how much i have thought of you. we fell for each other almost immediately, i like to think – me in my best court attire, you dressed to pleased no one but yourself – and yet we were strangers who’ve already heard a bit too much about one another, i suppose it must have been inevitable. and what would i even say to you anyway, that since you’ve been gone i’ve only gone further into the turbulence, and i don’t know what to do but feed myself into spirals of smoke and an alcoholic fog until something clearer this way comes. everything has become a lot darker, a lot more confusing, a lot less of the person i thought i was, or so sure i was, at the age of 19 and all that i’ve wanted. maybe we can go back, press our heads against each other and remember how it was like at the start before everything started to fragment. but we are long past that now, i have ran past the point of no return and there’s no looking back now.