我也不想这样

some time in the future – but not the near future, maybe – i want to look back and remember the end of training, the dull summer heat finding its way into everything, the familiar feeling that life was coming to an end in some ways but not quite. i want to remember the dreary sweaty nights when we dragged our feet from the office, the air between us taut with anticipation, so thick that if i came just a bit closer, i wouldn’t be able to stop myself. i want to remember the feeling of cold beer pressed against my neck with my eyes closed my body stretched out, my tongue making a jumble of the words that i can’t stop spilling – words meant to fill the air between us because maybe if i just keep talking we can keep the distance as it is.

and then i want to remember the nights when i stumble home alone, my mind in a haze of stars and smoke. lying in bed feeling irate and sticky and hot, not sad enough to warrant introspection yet self indulgent enough to not want to talk to anyone anyway. maybe if i closed my eyes. maybe if i let sleep get the better of me. how is it that even after all this time i am still where i was a year ago? i have lost my way. i have lost track of all the time. but i promise i’ll be back.

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